*grumble*

Started my big sewing project. (Decided to take the leap and make the Victorian walking suit.)

....Might already be irked at it. Maybe.

As long as it's done by September, right?...

Man. I have no idea what I'm doing. *kicks around sewing machine*

30k!

Huzzah!

So I'm like, a ridiculously schizophrenic NaNoer.  I go through these constant emotional ups and downs: OMG I might make it to 50k!  No, I'll never get that much.  What if I run out of time and don't even finish my story?  ACK, what if I finish my story and I have to think of more to add to it?  I want to win!  I never can win.  I'm so ashamed that I'm not gonna win!  What if I do make it?

LOL.  And like, all these opinions will shift that many times over the course of like... two hours. XD

45 minutes.

It's almost midnight.

My story is going to suck.

*curls up into an angsty little ball and dies*

my gift.

I have a special power.

I have the ability to turn perfectly nice guys into assholes.

Lucky me!

the conclusion.

We are so over Minnesota boy now, guys.

I'm not ticked that he wasn't interested. In fact, I'm very at peace with that, because I knew all along that's what he was going to say. No, I told him in my original letter that it was fine with me if he wasn't interested. And I wasn't lying.

The way he said things. That's what hurt.

Ok let me start by saying that I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, no matter how pissed I am at him. I know he is male, and males are inherently idiots. I'm fairly sure he didn't mean to come across as an asshole.

Doesn't change the fact that he totally did.

So I sent him my letter, right? Personally, I thought it was a really good letter. Pretty well-written and everything... I had a friend read over it first, make sure I didn't sound like some stupid 15 year old or anything. Well, it took him two days to answer it.

Wanna know what took him two days to write? It was one line. One line that said, "Yeah, I kinda figured you did for a while."

Damn. Could that have possibly come out more arrogantly and ass-hole-y? I was kind of in shock. Then I proceeded to curse and throw things around the house for a pretty long time. I felt really hurt and unjustified. I mean, how was it fair for me to bear my soul, and not even get a yes or no?

So I waited a day to write him back, because I knew bad, bad things would happen if I wrote to him in that emotional state. The next day I wrote back and basically asked him, well ok... how do you feel about the situation? Reciprocation? No?

Then he bounced an email right back that said, are you ready for this: Oh, I thought that was already established: you're not my type.

....


Right. Like I said, it's not that he said no. Not at all. I mean, seriously, would a nice little "wow, that really means a lot to me, but I think it's best if we just stayed friends" have killed him? I guess it would have.

You know, though, I'm really really grateful that I don't have the body image issues I used to have when I was younger, when I was anorexic in high school. Because, that conversation that he was referring to when he said I'm "not his kind of girl"? He basically told me he likes skinny, waifish girls with long flowing hair. Thank God I'm secure in my self-worth. That kind of think might have killed me just a few years ago.

So anyway. I'm extremely over him. And you know, I'm really grateful. I have absolutely no regrets about this whole thing. I mean, it's not like I was a fawning little lovesick puppy over this guy. Trust me, I'd be the first one to admit it if I was. But it's still nice to just have that whole thing cleared out of my mind.

Now I can move on to bigger and better things.

rant (again).

(Note: this is a fairly sleep-deprived ramble. Coherency is optional)

So I've been thinking about relationships. And how much I suck at all that boy/girl stuff. Like... epic suck.

Everyone always says that you're supposed to just tell him. You know? Because you might end up regretting it if you never say anything. I mean, good heavens... even Gideon Emery told me that. (Gideon, will you be my personal love guru? Please?) And I believe it. I really do. I wish I could just... do it. I'm not even really talking about a specific situation here (or maybe I am a little bit... but if I am it's def NOT the same guy I was talking about a few weeks ago. Def.) but just in general. Guys freak me out. I mean, not guys, but... guys I have feelings for. I act all confident and stuff but when it comes down to brass tacks, I'm really just scared.

And anyway, people say to just tell them how you feel... but no one seems to want to elaborate on exactly how I'm supposed to go about doing that. I mean, what, do I just send him a txt that's all like HAY GUESS WHUT I <3 U? Yeah. No. Like, what's the not-awkward and embarassing way to do it?

Especially when I'm like 75% sure the feelings are reciprocated?

And it's different if it's someone I already know and/or have known for a while compared to someone I don't really know at all. Like... for example, it'd be much easier for me to flirt with someone I hardly know, like the guy at church. (Even though I always wimp out and never do. But we're not gonna talk about that.) It's like, the longer I've known him and the closer friends we are the harder it would be to admit that I developed feelings for him other than friendship.

Damn it.

I... I don't want to make an ass of myself. And I'm totally sure I would.

Did I mention I really, really suck at this whole relations-with-males thing? Like a lot?

stuck.

There's something wrong with me.

Ever since I got back here to STL, for good to stay this time, I've been very... nonmotivated. I don't feel depressed, per-say, because I don't let myself think about Chattanooga or Merlin or my friends. I just... don't.

But I don't want to do anything. At all. I haven't even unpacked. I watch TV... I guess I've gone out with my parents a few times. I've had almost no contact with the outside world, though. I talked to Carson and Merlin on the phone a little, and I've had a couple good chats with Jon, but... that's it.

I mean, I did just get into town on Tuesday. But... still.

I don't want to do it. Any of it.

ticking.

I'm still in this total funk. I don't really understand. I mean, I guess there's a few different factors playing into it... the move, leaving, men...

I kind of want an excuse to totally blow up and scream at somebody. I feel like that would help.

Maybe I'm angry. It's almost like I feel wronged. I feel very... something.

I don't know.

But I don't like it.

I feel blah. I have no real reason to, either. I just do.

I am suspecting that this December/January are going to be very, very difficult.

I don't want to do it anymore.

spaz.

Hello, blog. I've been ignoring you for a while, apparently.

So I'm WriMo-ing, by the way. I'm pretty bad at it, though. I'm not even up to 5k yet. But... I'm really only shooing for half-a-WriMo, 25k. That'd still be more than I've ever written in my life. Put together, maybe.

In other news, I am feeling annoying and angsty today. Been a while, eh?

Bah. BAH, I say.

....Bah.

decisions.

Option #1:

Move back to St. Louis. Live with parents until able to afford apartment. Work and choose/apply to grad school.

Pros
- Save lots of money by living at home and not paying rent - able to get to grad school faster!
- I enjoy living in St. Louis, it's a really great town
- Being near my old church
- Reconnecting with all my old friends

Cons
- Possible drama/headaches because of living with parents...?
- Will miss Chattanooga/people from school

Option #2

Stay in the area here, live with Amy (& possible Steph/others). Work, look for/apply to grad schools.

Pros
- Stay with friends
- Could start working right now
- Independence

Cons
- Harder to save money while paying rent
- Will I be able to grow if I stay here?
- Make sure my motivations to stay are good

summer days.

Hi, blog. Been a while. I've been out of touch with the Internet for like four months now.

So, since I was last here, I've been to St. Louis, Jersey, Scotland, England, and New York. ...Man, so much. I don't really know where to start.

The whole summer was a total blast. Scotland was completely amazing. Alas, though, I have no tales of ale or hot Scottish boys. Too bad. Other than that, though, everything rocked. It was so beautiful. There were a lot of sheep. I ate haggis, and it was really pretty tasty, as long as you didn't think about it while you were eating it.

Camp was a lot of fun, too, though it was really hard sometimes, too. I learned a lot, and grew a lot. I feel older now than I did two months ago. I made some really good friends there. I really want to go back next summer... but who knows?

My entire life is really, really up in the air right now. You know how well I handle that, I'm sure... (hint: answer is, not at all). But I have a kind of peace about the whole thing. I'm not gonna go to Japan anymore. I'm moving back in with my parents in December. And... who knows what'll happen then?

Ooh, Dragon*Con is two weeks from yesterday. I can't wait! I'm gonna have the best costume in the whole convention, because Merlin is the best seamstress EVAR.

lost.

I don't know where to go.

I'm sad and upset and annoyed and lonely and angry and far, far too tired.

Today's just been so awful. The hits keep on coming. You'd think they'd stop after a while. It just keeps getting worse.

I don't want to be here. I wish I didn't live on a mountain. I'm going to get in my car now. I wonder where it will take me?

SIP = no.

So, that whiny, depressed "I'm so busy and I hate my life" rant gets to come early this year. I'm supposed to have a first draft of both of my SIP papers due before I leave for break. They're supposed to be 15 pages each. ...I'm probably gonna turn in like 10 pages for each. But still! I only have 2.5 pages for each of them. Yeah. And I'm having a very difficult time making myself do it. I just get bored so easily. BAH.

In other news, I like TobyMac's new CD. But I still think Momentum is my favorite. I just like noisy music, what can I say?